Thoughts. Ramblings. Heavy-hipped. Mango-obsessed.

Channel (Sex) Surfing...

(pic by: Fran-cis-ca)
I'm a late sleeper. Really late. So I was channel surfing, nothing much to watch at that time of the night - the further up I went, the crappier the channels got. Then I got to the sex channels, crap, crap, crap, most of them were geared to men, even the gay channels.

There was this particular channel that I found sad, cheap and highly tacky.

There were 3 women on a bed waiting for phonecalls - 2 white women, one black, each holding a number '7', '8', and '9' respectively (err, excuse the pun). The idea was that they were meant to do whatever callers asked them to do. It was really sad. One was a beautiful surgically-enhanced skeleton with boobs to match, the one in the middle seemed to be having fun, and the other looked bored.

It just looked so sad as they sat there waiting for calls to come through - sometimes not getting any for a while, one getting plenty, the others having to sit there and wait, staring at the screen, holding up their number, waiting for a call.

When the 'skeleton' got calls, it looked like every caller was asking her to bend over and simulate being f*cked from behind really slow, then really quick. That's all most of the callers were asking her to do. And she looked as skeletal from behind as she did from the front, her butt bones were jutting out. She just looked really unhealthy and I found the whole thing extremely disturbing let alone someone calling in to see an anorexic do something like that - she looked like a prisoner of war.

The bored one dropped the phone like she was about to die of monotony and walked off the set for about 5 mins. She came back a bit chirpier. Maybe she'd had some chocolate.

And the one that seemed to be having fun just kept on 'seeming to be having fun', spreading her legs, rubbing her tits, talking and laughing down the phone like she was talking to her best friend.

I watched it for about 15-20mins because I wanted to remember. I didn't want to forget how I felt watching it.


my alarm clock pours ice cubes down my back
i'm a 33 yr old angst-ridden teenager

my boss is Hitler with perfectly-manicured nails
bitch-red lipstick
dagger heels

i roll my eyes to the back of my head
suck my teeth in my mother-tongue
i want to cut her hair

she catches me looking
i hold her stare
and lick my lips slowly.

I Don't Get It...

Why do ITN & BBC News think it's their duty to update me EVERY DAY on the inquest into Princess Diana's death? I'M NOT INTERESTED. I normally switch channels straightaway or press mute the minute I hear her name, but this time, they caught me unawares. Just now on the BBC, the news guy said a witness at the inquest said Diana was using contraception in the weeks leading up to her death. AND? I mean what the heck does it have to do with Diana's death? And why do I need to know? I think it's in very bad taste, is very personal information that has nothing to do with anything.

I really did expect better from two news stations that really should know better - do they really have nothing better to slot into those 2-3mins.

I can see the importance of the inquest, but why do the public need to be updated on every single development?

And don't get me wrong, I loved Diana, even went to her funeral, cried my eyes out, but I've had enough of her being used at every opportunity - it's symptomatic of the media - and I wasn't expecting ITN/BBC News to be part of the tongue-wagging. I find it all quite sickening and I just think today was the last straw when BBC News of all people reported she was on contraception.

If ITN/BBC News really can't think of anything better to report within that 2-min time slot, I'll give them something to talk about, like why I'm increasingly walking into schools that have lost their soul, like why the truth isn't being told about 'immigration' (that in fact we're all a nation of [im]migrants), like why Canary Wharf is called 'Little Africa' (walk past there at 5.30am and you'll see why).

ITN, BBC - if you're twiddling your journalistic thumbs in ho-hum boredom and are stuck on what to report, filling 2-mins of your daily air-time with news of a woman who probably just wants to kick back with a great big bar of chocolate and chill in the afterlife, why don't you get your newscasters to ACTUALLY REPORT THE NEWS.

But PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, leave the Diana inquest within the confines of where it is - where it should be - in court.

If you could be ever so kind as to do that, I tell ya, it would really make my commerciaLIEsed, Jesus?-who's-Jesus?, PSP-is-every-child's-mother-tongue, Christmas.

Thank you...

Ebele Ajogbe, 'Me-MySelf-I' News, London.

The Hoosiers...

There's this mad British group I've recently come across - I think they are KER-RAZY, funny, playful, talented and highly creative - I think even their name suggests how crazy they are - 'the Hoosiers' - now what the hell does 'Hoosiers' mean? - I don't have a clue - but it sounds silly - and I like that.

They've got this song called Mr A (or is it called 'Goodbye Mr A'?) - it's about a classic superhero who's kidnapped, attached to a propeller and blasted off into space 'cos he might be a superhero but he has no soul, no personality, no human touch.

I love the musical arrangement for this song, the lyrics - and their video alone is a great creation in itself. I think it might be interesting to use the video in a workshop with the sound turned off and get the kids to write their own lyrical version of what they think is happening.

'Bout time we had something refreshing in the charts - I love Timbaland, very talented guy, but I was getting a bit tired of the creeping monopoly of Timbaland-produced songs - if it ain't a Nelly Furtado single produced by Timbaland, then it's a Justin Timberlake single produced by Timbaland, or it's a Timbaland song with one of his proteges, or wait, look it's Timbaland with Justin (again) and 50cent.

Then add the bands making a comeback (Spice Girls, Take That, Boyzone (or is it Westlife?). Take That I can 'take' for their initiative, but I think the other two are just jumping on the bandwagon. Oh how convenient, my dear Watson, they're coming out in time for Xmas too).   And then you have the slew of British groups who all of a sudden seem to think it's the in-thing to sing with a Cockney accent. Hello?

So, yeah, I find it refreshing to come across a group like The Hoosiers. They might not be everyone's cup of tea, but I like 'um.

Spare a Nostril for Xmas...

I have a blocked nose. (everyone say a sympathetic aaaaaaah).

Yep. One of my nostrils has up and baled on me. I thought it loved me. But obviously not.

Anyone got a nostril to spare? White people needn't apply (obviously. Black body, white nostril. Erm, no.)

It ain't fun breathing outta one nostril, I can tell you - it's as much fun as watching Gordon Brown do... actually, it's as much fun as watching Gordon Brown. Period.

So, this Christmas, while you're breathing in car exhaust fumes, b.o on trains, and everything in-between, please spare a thought for the woman with just one hairy nostril to keep her warm at night.

Breathe for me, people.


If Someone Else Hands Me a Free Newspaper, I Swear I'll, I'll, I'll...

Dear London Lite/ Metro Newspaper Person...

Why do you insist on handing me a paper:

a) when you can see my hands are FULL of shopping

b) when you can see I already have a frikkin free newspaper in my hand

c) when you know and i know i'm blanking you

d) when you're blocking my entrance to stratford station during rush hour


Thank you.


Royal Variety Performance, Scrapheap Challenge & Boyzone (or is it Westlife?)

One of the good things about feeling a bit under the weather is that while you're recuperating, you get to watch TV. Plenty of it. So this program called Scrapheap Challenge came on and I really couldn't be bothered to get up, grab the remote from the other sofa and change the channel. So I just watched what was on. And I tell ya, Scrapheap Challenge ROCKS!!!

In the past, I'd always changed the channel when it was on, but I love it!

Right, Scrapheap Challenge is a weekly program about two competing teams going into a scrap yard and building machines from bits and pieces of scrap they can find. This week, the teams had to build paddle boats, I found it fascinating – I think it might be the same part of me that loves going to charity shops, fetes and car boot sales. One of the teams built the base of their boat from an industrial boiler, the other got their engine from a big van. I thought it was so cool how they were able to recycle old abandoned parts into new working machines – like mechanical reincarnation. Loved it.

Then it was onto the Royal Variety Performance. I know some people might find this annual show for the Queen quite tacky, but you're talking to someone who loves watching Eurovision Song Contest (and will mourn when Terry Wogan stops presenting it for whatever reason). I don't know why I like watching both, but I do. On the Royal Var Perf, my highlight of the night was when Joan Rivers said f*ck infront of the Queen. Great! That should pull the wax out of old queeny's ears. Thank you, Joan! I love ya!

Do you know – I tend to get confused b/w Boyzone and Westlife? Anyway, one of the aforementioned boybands recently came out with a single called 'Home' – yet another cover – I don't know why they can't come up with their own original songs. Anyway, just to say the original by Michael Buble is a gazillion times better – I'm sorry Boyzone, WestLife, WestZone or whatever your name is, you've destroyed a good song, WHY?, WHY?, WHY?

Have a good week, y'all - may it be soaked in a bubble bath of your choice...

E to the B to the E to the L to the E.